apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
