I skipped work to stalk him.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
