I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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