omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
