So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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