You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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