mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
