My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
