i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
