Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
