it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
