i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
