Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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