I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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