: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
