i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
