I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
