You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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