I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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