I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
