so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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