The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
