I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
