My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
