I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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