I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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