End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
