I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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