New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
