alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
