I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
