That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
