This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
