So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
