I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
two words: eviction party
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
