Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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