I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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