no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
