I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
