You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
