I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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