and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
