got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
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