So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
