I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
