I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
