The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
