happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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