I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
