At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
