My hair reeks of homosexuality.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
