Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
