I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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