so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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