I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
