i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
