New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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