9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
