wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
