Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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